Perfect
by starsnuffers
Summary: Perfect. That's what I am. Nate Gray is perfect. But the cuts I give myself at night when no one's looking is what makes me wonder. Am I really all that perfect? Finished 6 - 24 - 10
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

Perfect.

I was supposed to be perfect.

That was what got me where I am today.

Because I'm perfect.

But am I really perfect?

I want to be.

I need to be.

I wish I were.

But the cuts I give myself at night when no one's looking is what shows it.

I'm not all that perfect.

So here I am, sitting on my bed, looking up at the ceiling, wonder what to do. I take my Swiss Army knife out of my pocket and look at it. The shiny blade reflects off light from the overhead light. I place the blade next to my skin and hold it there.

I hear someone opening the door, so I quickly put the knife under my pillow and grab a magazine, pretending to read it.

Shane walks in my room. "Hi."

I peer out from over the top of the magazine. "Yes?"

"Just seeing if you were asleep." He walks into my room and sits down on the bed.

"Nope. Reading."

"Okay, well don't forget about the movie premier tomorrow."

"I won't."

"And we have a photo shoot tomorrow morning."

"I know."

"You should go to bed soon; it's late."

"Okay."

Shane smiles. "Goodnight, little bro." He stands up and walks out of my room.

That was a close one.

If Shane ever knew, I'd be dead meat.

When I'm sure he's in his room, I get the knife out and put it up against my wrist again. I begin to cut in diagonal lines, making little x's near my hand.

Why do I do it?

Because it hurts way less than real pain.

It hurts less than the pain I feel every day.

It hurts less than the need to be perfect.

X X X

When I wake up the next morning, I put on jacket to hide the cuts on my arm. After I get dressed, I head downstairs. Mum made us breakfast and Jason and Shane are already eating it, talking to our little brother, Frankie.

I sit down at the table next to Frankie. Frankie smiles and hugs me.

He's so cute.

Like a little nugget.

Frankie gives me a big, wet, sloppy kiss on the cheek. There are traces of waffle syrup too. "I love you, Nate," he says.

I laugh and when he's not looking, I wipe off the syrup.

He's one of the reasons why I'm perfect. If I wasn't, then what kind of a big brother would I be?

"Goin' skiin'?" Shane asks with a hint of amusement in his voice.

"Huh?" I ask and then look down at my jacket. "Oh… well, it's cold in here."

"Cold? It's hot in here!"

Mum comes over to me. "Oh, sweetie, are you sick?" She feels my forehead. "You're not warm."

I bat her hand away. "No, I'm just always cold."

"Are you sure you're okay?" she asks all concerned like.

"Yeah, Mum. I'm fine."

She, of course, doesn't believe me. "If you're sick we can cancel the photo shoot. It's okay."

"Mummy, I'm fine."

"Nate, dear-"

"Really. I'm okay."

Mum frowns. "Well if you feel sick at all, you tell me and we can go home and rest, okay? I want you to be perfectly healthy when you guys start your tour next week."

Yes. Perfect.

Jason is acting very parental, too. "Nate, it's okay if you're sick. We can reschedule the shoot."

"No, no, no. I'm fine," I say, trying my hardest not to yell.

"Keep an eye on him for me, will ya?" I hear my dad whisper to Jason. He nods.

Dad and Mum leave and go into their bedroom.

I just stare at the cereal in front of. If I eat it, I'll be fat. But if I don't, I'll be hungry.

I decide not to eat it.

It was awkwardly quiet.

Then Jason said, "Okay, Nate, something's up."

I look up and put my spoon down. "What do you mean?"

"Well, for starters, you're wearing a jacket."

"So?"

"In July."

"Yeah? And?"

"And it's almost one hundred degrees outside."

"Well we're indoors, aren't we?"

Jason stares me down. I hate his stare downs.

But I stare right back at him.

He sighs and stands up, putting his empty bowl in the sink.

Shane rubs his eyes with the back of his hand and yawns. "Tired," he says.

"Well drink some coffee," I say.

"Want to stop at Starbucks?" Shane asks.

"STARBUCKS!" I hear Jason exclaim. He grabs his car keys.

I laugh. "Okay, Starbucks it is." I turn to Frankie. "Want to go to Starbucks, Tank?"

Frankie nods eagerly. "Yes!"

I pick him up and carry him all the way to the car. I make airplane sound effects, and Frankie laughs. I set him down in the backseat with me, and Shane and Jason hop in the front.

"To Starbucks!" Shane laughs.

Jason drives us to Starbucks and we go through the drive through and order the usual.

After we all have our coffee – and Frankie has water in a coffee cup (that's his thing. He hates coffee so he likes to pretend he's drinking it when it's really water) – we drive over to the studio for our photo shoot.

Mum and Dad are going to meet us here later, but they went out for lunch.

When we get there, we talk with the photographer and the girl who was interviewing us for "Popstar" magazine.

"So your tour is starting in five days," the girl, Leah, says. "Are you excited?"

"Totally excited!" Jason exclaims. "We cannot wait to get on the road again."

"Yeah, it's gonna be so fun," Shane adds.

Leah turns to me. "What about you, Nate?"

I snap out of my trance. "What about what?"

She laughs. "Do you have anything to say about the tour?"

I stutter a bit. "Yeah… Burning Up tour. Five days."

Leah hesitates for a moment. "Okay, so are you guys planning on releasing a new CD soon?"

I have a total ADD moment and watch as some people walk past us carrying piles of clothes and drinks.

While Jason was talking, I say, "Can I have a Diet Coke?"

Leah nods and calls out, "Someone give him a Diet Coke!"

Two people come running over to me, handing me some sodas. I take one and open it, sipping it slowly.

"So, Nate, we haven't heard much of you today. What do you have planned for the future?" Leah asks.

I look over at her. "You know… stuff. We're gonna sing. And write music. And tour."

"Okay then…" she trails off.

Shane nudges me with his elbow and leers at me. I just shrug.

"We're going to be doing a lot of things in the next couple months," Shane says. "We're going to be writing new songs for our next CD while on tour and definitely do some public meet and greets."

Leah writes some stuff down in her spiral. "Well thanks for your time, guys. I think you have to go be made up for photos now."

"Thank you," Jason says.

Some people come over to us and take us into dressing rooms and they hand us clothes. My stylist hands me a short-sleeved shirt. I give it back to her. "Um, can I have something with long sleeves?" I go over to a jacket. "This would be nice."

She gives me a funny look but lets me wear the jacket anyway. When she has her back turned, I take off my jacket and put on the new one.

"Okay, thanks bye," I say and leave the dressing room.

I head out and see Jason and Shane already out there, chatting with some people.

Someone comes up and puts makeup on me and does something or other with my hair and then I go over to my brothers.

Shane looks at my jacket. "Nice jacket."

"Thanks," I say.

"Okay, let's do this people," the photographer says and we all pose and whatnot for the pictures.

"Nate, roll up the sleeves on that jacket," the photographer says.

"Huh?" I ask, looking down at the jacket.

"Sleeves," he says, pointing to them. "Roll them up."

"Actually, I think it looks really good down like that."

"Nate, you roll up your sleeves in every picture. It's your signature thing."

"Um, I'm hungry. Can I have some food?"

Jason nudges me. "Dude. Roll up the sleeves."

"What has gotten into you?" Shane asks.

"I'm hungry," I say and someone leads me over to a buffet table. I stand there and shove food into my mouth.

Shane and Jason come up behind me.

"Wow," Jason says, "you were really hungry. Did you not eat breakfast?"

I shake my head. "Nope. I didn't eat breakfast this morning." Or dinner last night. Or lunch yesterday.

"Okay well eat fast so we can get on with this," Shane says. He comes over and attacks the pretzel bowl.

As much as I want to stop eating, I can't. Because I'm just so hungry. And I know I'll get fat if I eat all this.

And I won't be perfect anymore.

And none of our fans will like us anymore…

After I devour some food, I say, "I'm gonna go to the loo. Be right back."

I head off to the restrooms and right when I get there, I go in a stall and kneel down by the toilet and stick my finger down my throat, purging up all the food I just ate.

I don't know how long I was in there until Shane and Jason came in.

"Nate? Are you okay?" Shane asks. He walks into the stall I was in.

I flush the toilet and turn around, shaking my head. "I feel awful."

"I knew you were sick," Jason says, kneeling down next to me. He puts the back of his hand on my forehead. "That's weird. You don't have a fever."

I wipe some barf off of my face.

"Come on, we better go home and let you rest," Jason says. He looks up at Shane. "Go get Frankie and call Mum and Dad. Tell them Nate's sick and we're going home."

Shane nods and sets off.

Jason turns to me. "Is that why you didn't eat breakfast? Because you felt sick?"

"Yeah," I lie.

He hugs me. "Nate, you can always tell us when you have a problem."

No I can't. If they knew about the cutting, they'd hate me forever. If they found out about the eating disorder, they'd kill me.

"We love you," Jason says and has me look him in the eyes. "Is there something you're not telling us, Nate?"

I shake my head. "No."

Another lie. I keep lying.

I lie because I have to be perfect.

Shane's perfect. Jason's perfect. I can't be the only fucked up one.

But I am.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Jason takes me home and right when we get inside, Jason picks me up and carries me over to the couch.

"I can walk," I say. "Despite popular belief, I'm not a cripple."

"It's the least I can do for my little bro," he says and lays me down gently on the couch. He puts a blanket on top of me. "Now tell me what you need."

"Nothing," I say.

"Nate, I need you to feel better by the time we go on tour, or we're canceling it."

"But I'm fine."

Jason shakes his head. "After that episode in the bathroom, I'm convinced you have the flu… or something. Then in that case, I should go call a doctor…"

"No. Don't call anyone. I'll be fine."

He frowns. "Nate, it's okay. We're not mad at you for being sick."

"I never said you were."

"Yeah well you're acting like it."

"How?"

"Because you're saying you're fine when you're not!"

"Maybe because I actually am fine!"

"Well maybe you're not but you're saying you are because you don't want us to be mad at you for canceling the tour!"

"That doesn't even make any sense!"

"So what flavour tea do you want?"

"I hate tea!"

"Well too bad!"

Jason storms off and makes me a cup of tea. I sigh and close my eyes.

He returns and hands me a mug. I look at it.

"Drink it," he says, shoving it in my face.

"No," I say, swatting it away with my hand.

Jason sighs. "Okay. I'll leave it right here on the table and you can drink it later. Do you want soup or something?"

"No. I'm not hungry."

"I'll make it anyway. When you see it you'll want it."

Jason sets off again and makes me some chicken noodle soup.

What I don't understand is why Jason can't just leave me alone. How many times do I have to tell him I'm fine for him to hear me?

I grab the remote (or as my aunt calls it, the 'clicker') and turn on the TV. I go to the recorded programs and turn on "Gossip Girl."

Blair's fucking some dude… what's new?

"What episode is this?" I hear Shane say. He jumps over the top of the couch and lands on it.

"It's the tenth of the first season," I tell him.

"Dude," Shane breathes, "you are so-o-o behind."

"Yeah, well it's not like we have any time to watch TV."

I get bored of "Gossip Girl" and so I grab the clicker and switch it to live TV. House is on. It seems to always be on.

Jason comes over with a bowl of soup in his hand. "House!" He comes over and sets the bowl down on the table next to the tea. "There. Soup." He turns to Shane. "Shane, what are you doing?"

Shane looks confused. "Um… Watching TV?"

"Don't get too close to Nate; you might get sick," Jason says.

Shane scoffs. "He's not even sick, Jason."

"Uh huh, and where were you when Nate threw up in the bathroom? Oh, yeah. You were right there!"

"Well maybe it's because he ate too much food at once! Even I've done that before!"

"Well he told me that he didn't eat breakfast this morning because he didn't feel well. Nate, tell him you're sick."

"I'm… not sick," I say.

Jason rolls his eyes. Shane laughs.

"Ha!" Shane says. "I told you!"

"He's just saying he isn't because he doesn't want to disappoint you when we have to cancel the tour!"

Shane gasps. "We're canceling the tour!?"

I step in here. "No! No one is sick, and no one is canceling the tour!"

Jason huffs. "Say that again when you're begging me to make you more soup tomorrow!" He walks away, leaving Shane and I in an awkward silence.

"Can you say over dramatic much?" Shane whispers, turning up the volume on the TV.

I nod. "Tell me about it."

Shane and I watch TV until it gets late.

That's when I remember something. "Movie premier!" I randomly outburst.

"Shit!" Shane says, looking at his watch. "Why didn't anyone remind us? We're gonna be late!" He hops up from the couch and runs into the other room, saying, "Jason! Jason! We forgot about the movie!"

Jason comes into the room. "No, we didn't."

"Uh huh, we did," Shane says.

"We're not going because Nate's sick."

"No I'm not!" I yell.

"No-o-o!" Shane cries and falls to the ground. "But I want to go so-o-o bad!" He stands up and points an accusing finger at me. "This is all your fault!"

"How is it my fault?! Jason's the one saying I'm sick when I'm really just fine!" I defend, standing up.

Jason turns to me. "Nate, you lay back down right now!"

Good god.

I lay back down on the couch and cross my arms, huffing. I put on my best pouty face.

Shane scoffs. "Jason, he's not even sick."

"Yes he is! You're being selfish, Shane! You just want to go to the movie and that's why you're lying to me!" Jason yells.

"I'm not fucking lying to you!"

Jason gasps. "I cannot believe what you just said!"

"What?" Shane asks. "Fuck? Fuck fuckity fuck fuck."

"Shane! How dare you!"

Shane huffs. "Okay, Jason, I think you're taking this Disney G-rated thing a little too far."

"That's it, even if Nate were fine, you're not going to the movies, anyway!"

"But Jessica Alba's gonna be there!"

"I don't care if the Queen of England is gonna be there; you're not going!"

Shane starts crying. He falls to the ground and hangs onto Jason's legs. "No! I have to go! She's gonna be there!"

Jason starts shaking his leg, trying to get Shane off. "Shane, get off of me!"

"I promise I'll be good! I promise!"

"Stop acting so childish!"

"Please! I want to go!"

Mum and Dad come into the room.

"What's going on in here?" Mum asks.

Shane stands up. "Jason won't let me go to the movie!"

Mum looks confused. "Why?"

"Because Shane is being selfish!" Jason exclaims.

"Um…" Mum starts. "Shane, go to the movie; the limo's outside."

Shane runs as fast as he can upstairs and gets his tux on and then runs out the door.

Jason sighs. "I can't believe…" He gets dressed also, and leaves.

Mum comes over to me. "How are you feeling, sweetie? Any better?"

"A bit," I say.

She ruffles my hair. "Okay, well I'll get you some water."

"Actually," I say as she stands up. She turns around. "Can you take me to the movie?"

"Are you sure you feel well enough?" she asks.

I nod. "I'm fine."

She thinks about it for a second. "Okay… go get dressed. Meet me down here in five minutes."

I hop up off of the couch. "Thanks Mummy!" I race upstairs and get dressed as quickly as I could as I do not want to be even later than I already am.

I get downstairs in record time and Mum looks surprised. "I'm ready," I say.

"Oh, you look so handsome!" Mum says and comes over to me. She kisses the top of my head.

I push her away. "Okay, let's go before I'm late."

Mum grabs her car keys and I run to the garage.

"Hurry, hurry, hurry!" I call to my mum.

She laughs. "Calm yourself. You still have thirty minutes." She takes her sweet time into the car, but we finally leave and make it to the movie theater in record-breaking time.

Right when we pull up, I jump out of the car as fast as I could after saying, "Thanks, Mum!" and I go into the building.

I look around for a bit, but then spot Jason and Shane talking to Tess Tyler and Caitlyn Gellar. I go over to them. "Hi," I say.

They all turn to me and at the same time, say, "Nate!" but with all different tones.

"Glad you could make it," Caitlyn says.

Tess just smiles at me.

Shane nods.

And Jason says, "Nate, what are you doing here? You should be in bed, sleeping!"

"Jason. Chill. I'm fine," I laugh.

"No, Nate, you're not. The only way to get better is lots of rest, and this doesn't look like lots of rest to me." Jason grabs my arm. "Come on, I'll take you home."

"No," I say, twisting away from his grip. "Why don't you trust me?"

We both stop talking when we hear Shane gasp and yell, "Jessica!" and then run off.

I laugh.

Jason slaps my arm. "Seriously, Nate. We can't have you getting sicker than you already are. I'll call Mum and have her take you home."

"Jason, stop fussing!" I say. "I'm totally fine!" I slap his arm – payback for slapping mine.

"Ugh," Jason scoffs.

"So, anyway…" Caitlyn starts. We all turn to her. "Who wants to go eat before the movie starts?"

Everyone except me raises their hands.

"Okay then," she says. "Let's go."

We all head off into the banquet room together and get plates, going into the buffet line. Caitlyn loads up her plate with practically everything, but I just put a bit of salad on my plate and we sit down.

Caitlyn looks at my salad. "That's all you're gonna eat?"

I nod. "Yeah. Not hungry."

"Yeah," Jason says, "you're not hungry cause you're _too sick to be here_."

I roll my eyes. "I'm sorry I don't eat like an American. My friend once told me I'd be a good Polish person."

Caitlyn giggles and starts eating her pasta.

Jason just leers at me.

I take a bite of my salad.

Ha, in his face.

He looks away, shaking his head, and starts eating his bread.

Shane suddenly comes over to the table. "Oh my god, guys, you will never believe where I got Jessica Alba to autograph! Right on the side of my pen-"

"Shane!" Jason scolds.

"What?" Shane asks, sitting down. "She signed my pencil. See?" He takes a pencil out of his pocket and shows it to us.

Jason lets out a sigh of relief.

"Well that's pretty cool," Caitlyn says.

I look down at my plate.

I ate all of my salad.

"Excuse me," I say, standing up. "Gotta go to the piddly diddly department." I walk away from the table and go to the restroom. I look at myself in the mirror by the sinks.

I am so fat. I take a few moments to point out my flaws and when I was sure that no one was in any of the stalls, I go to the very last one and purge the salad I just ate.

"Nate!" I hear a voice. "Are you in here? The thing's about to start!"

I quickly flush the toilet and head out of the stall. I see Jason standing there. "Come on," he says. "You've been in here long enough."

"Let me wash my hands," I say, going over to the sink. I turn on the water and put my hands under it, but then look in the mirror and get lost with how incredibly fat and ugly I am.

"Um… Nate? Soap?"

I snap out of my trance and look over. "Yeah. Right. Soap." I put some pink liquid soap on my hand and try my hardest not to look in the mirror as I wash it off.

"Okay, we're holding up the show, let's go," Jason says.

But I had already looked up in the mirror and began to silently point out all the flaws, completely ignoring everything Jason had said.

Jason puts his hand on my shoulder. "Nate, are you okay?"

I turn around. "Yeah. Fine. I'm totally… fine."

He puts on his concerned face. "Why does your breath smell like vomit?"

I escape his clutches. "No reason," I say and take some paper towels.

"No. Nate. Did you throw up again?"

I don't respond.

"Oh, Nate…" Jason stands behind me and I can see it in the reflection of the paper towel dispenser.

"Look," I say, throwing the towels away and turning around, "it doesn't even matter."

Jason frowns. "I'll take you home and you can rest. Okay? If you sleep, you'll feel better by tomorrow."

"But… the movie…"

He shakes his head. "We can't have you throwing up on Jessica's shoes," he says, attempting to lighten the mood.

Hah. You're just so funny, Jason.

"But I feel fine now," I say.

"No buts. I'll take you home." He opens the door and we both walk out.

I sigh and follow him outside. He texts Shane and tells him that we're going home and Jason calls the limo driver and has him pick us up by the entrance.

When we hop in, I just stare out the window.

Jason looks over at me. "I'll get you feeling better in no time, Nate. Don't worry."

"It's not that… it's…" I was about to tell him the real reason why I can't keep food down, but I stopped myself.

"What?"

"Never mind."

"No, you can tell me."

"I said never mind. It was stupid anyway."

"No, nothing you say is stupid. Tell me, Nate. I'm your brother. You can trust me."

I can stay silent.

"Nate, I'd never get mad at you."

"You would if you knew the real reason."

Jason doesn't say anything after that and we get dropped off at our house. We walk inside and see Mum and Dad eating dinner at the dining table.

Dad looks at us. "I thought you guys were at the movies…?"

"Nate's still sick," Jason says.

Mum looks over with caring eyes. "I'm sorry, sweetie."

I just shake my head and Jason and I go upstairs.

"Bed," Jason says, opening the door to my room.

I sigh and just get under the covers of the bed as I don't want to get Jason even madder.

"Do you want to take off the tux?" he asks.

"I think I'm actually gonna take a shower," I say, getting out of bed.

"Okay," Jason says. "I'll stay right here."

"Stalker," I mutter soft enough so he couldn't hear, and I go into the bathroom, locking the door. I start running the water, getting it warmed up and then take off my clothes.

Right in front of the mirror.

I look at myself.

Is that really me?

How could I have gotten so fat and ugly?

I shake my head and go into the shower, closing my eyes.

Perfect?

Ha. Yeah.

I'm _so_ perfect.


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

I get out of the shower, but keep the water running as I wrap up in a towel. I kneel down and force myself to puke three times before I end up dry heaving when there's nothing left.

I flush the toilet and then turn off the shower, brushing my teeth.

I put on some pajamas and then go out of the bathroom, my hair wrapped up in a towel.

Jason was there on my computer, Googling stuff. He turned around when I came out. "Feeling any better?"

I shake my head.

Honestly, I felt worse.

I feel awful when I purge, but I just can't help it. I have to do it or I feel worse than before.

I hop in bed and Jason comes over to me. "You just sleep and I'll come check on you in the morning, okay?"

I nod and close my eyes, yawning.

"You must be exhausted," Jason says.

Yes. Trying to be perfect is wearing me out.

"Sleep well. If you need anything, I'll be in my room. Feel free to wake me up, okay?"

"Night, Jason."

"Night, Nate."

He shuts the door.

I wait a few minutes before grabbing my knife and cutting. Silent tears roll out of my eyes and fall into the new cuts, causing it to sting even more, making it hurt so… good.

X X X

When I wake up the next day, I pull on a sweater I got last Christmas and head downstairs.

Mum made breakfast again and I sit down at the table.

"Oh, sweetie, are you cold again?" Mum asks.

I nod.

"If you want I can turn up the heat," she offers.

"It's okay," I tell her.

"Okay, well I made breakfast." Mum sets down a plate of bacon in front of me.

Does she not realize how much fat is in that?

It's like she's trying to fatten me up.

I just stare at it. As much as I want it, and as much as my stomach screams for it, I resist temptation to eat it.

Jason and Shane look intently at me, which only makes it worse.

When I feel like I can't control myself from eating it, I walk away from the table and go upstairs.

Jason comes running after me and he opens the door to my room. "Nate…"

"No. Leave me alone," I say, so close to crying.

"Nate, please tell me what's going on. I can help you."

"I'm just… not hungry…"

Jason stands there in the doorway, sighing. "Nate, you haven't eaten a thing in three days. If you're not better by tomorrow, I'm gonna call a doctor."

I stare at him until he leaves.

And then I go on my computer and go on Facebook.

When no one is on, I go back over to my bed. But stop when I see myself in the mirror.

I can't believe it.

I shake my head in shame and then lay down on the floor, doing sit ups.

After I do two hundred, I plop down on my bed, exhausted.

I take a nap, but the next time I wake up, I see Jason hovering above me with a can of Diet Coke in his hand.

I reach out for the soda and he gives it to me. I open it and drink it.

"Don't drink it too fast," Jason says.

I slow down the rate at which I was drinking it.

"Soda always helps me settle my stomach when I'm sick," Jason says, sitting down on my bed. "And club crackers. Those work too. Do you want me to get some of those?"

I shake my head. "I'm not hungry."

"Okay. Tell me when you are. I'll be downstairs."

Right when he leaves, I go into the bathroom and now that I had something to throw up, I purge it all.

It's addicting. I can't stop.

I think… I think…

I think I might have a problem.

X X X

Two days later and Jason is convinced that I am so sick that he has to take me to the hospital.

Why?

Because I was stupid.

I was so stupid I didn't eat anything at all and then when I had another soda, I threw it up right in front of him.

Why?

Because I couldn't control myself.

"Get in the car, Nate," Jason says.

I shake my head. "No… Don't make me go."

"Nate, you haven't eaten in three days and you can't keep anything down!"

"So?"

"So that means there's something wrong!"

"I'm fine. I'm okay. Leave me alone."

I cling onto my bed, which is where I have been living for the past couple days. I've been so exhausted that the only times I've ever left my bed was when I got up to go to the piddly diddly department or to throw up.

"No, you're not fine!" Jason says. He walks over to me. "Nate, I want no more excuses. Come on, we're going." He pulls me a bit.

I push him away, weakly. "I can't… I'm too tired to go anywhere." I close my eyes.

Jason picks me up and carries me bridal style downstairs. "Mum, will you drive us to the hospital?"

Mum apparently agreed because Jason takes me into the car and lays me down in his lap as Mum drives to the hospital. Shane, Frankie, and Dad are in the car, too, because I hear them talking. I don't understand what they're saying, however.

Jason messes with my hair and I just moan softly.

When the car stops, Jason carries me into the hospital and I hear a bunch of people chattering. I blank out a bit, but I do recall someone lifting up my sleeve, which makes me open my eyes. Luckily, Jason was too distracted to notice the cuts on my arm. I can tell the doctor, however, noticed something, but she didn't say anything and instead put an IV in my arm and covered up all of the cuts with a bandage.

She is officially my new best friend for not saying anything to Jason about it.

I give her a small smile of gratitude and close my eyes again.

People poke and prod me, but I'm way too tired to react to any of it, and I just lay there while Jason tries his hardest to talk to me and tries desperately for me to say something back.

I completely drown out what everyone was saying for a couple minutes and fall asleep.

When I wake up again, I find myself in a hospital bed, hooked up to all sorts of fun stuff.

I feel slightly better than I was, and definitely less weak than earlier. I open my eyes and see that I'm all alone in a room.

After a couple minutes of confusion, wondering where everyone could be, someone walks into the room.

It was that doctor.

"Hey best friend," I laugh.

She smiles. "Good morning. How are you feeling today?"

"Much better," I say.

"Well that's good."

"Yeah."

She looks around for a bit and then closes the door, going right over to me. "Nate, I saw the cuts."

"Oh… Yeah… Those… It's not what you think; I accidently ran into a tree."

She doesn't buy it.

"Don't tell anyone," I whisper.

"Okay, well technically, I'm not legally allowed to tell anyone; Doctor-patient confidentiality."

I let out a sigh of relief. "Good."

"Good for who?" she asks.

"Me. It's good for me. If Jason ever found out, I'd be dead before you could say… chicken nuggets."

"I'm pretty sure he wouldn't kill you."

"I'm pretty sure he would."

"So... when?"

"When what?"

"When did you start?"

I hesitate before saying, "About a month ago."

She nods. "Okay… and when did you start not eating and purging?"

"How'd you find out about that?"

"Because I know a lot of things."

"That started at the same time the other thing started."

My best friend sighs. "If you don't mind me asking… why?"

"Because… Jason and Shane are so perfect. And I'm not. And sometimes it gets too much to handle and-"

I stop talking when my whole family walks right into the room.

"Okay," Best Friend says, "I'll be back to check on you later." She walks away.

Jason spots me and smiles. "You're awake!"

"And you're Jason… Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were having a state the obvious contest. I'm competitive by nature."

He completely ignores the fact that I just said his favourite "House" line and runs over to hug me. "Nate, I was so worried about you!"

Shane pushes him away. "Hey, I want in on this love fest!" He hugs me as well.

Frankie jumps on my bed and gives me a huge, wet kiss right on my nose.

I laugh. "Ah, my loving family." And then I wipe away the Frankie spit.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

When everyone goes home, Best Friend comes back in the room.

"Best friend," I say, laughing. It's our thing now. I don't know why, but it is. I have to laugh and say 'best friend' when she walks in my room. It's kind of like my cat. Whenever he comes near, I always point to him and say 'best!' No reason, just because.

"Okay, let's talk," BF says and sits down in a chair next to me.

"Sure."

BF crosses her legs and slumps down in her chair, taking out a piece of paper and pencil.

I look at her strangely. "What are you doing?"

"And how does that make you feel?" she asks in this weird voice.

"Um what?"

"Well if you refuse to talk to a real therapist, I'll try my best to act like one."

"Fine." Honestly, I'd rather talk to her than that creepy, fat therapist guy that tried to get everything out of me at once. He told me to bite him. So I did.

"So… I've decided to do some role playing."

"Role playing?"

"Yes… sorta," she says and grabs her purse. She throws me a Shane doll.

I catch it and laugh. "A Shane doll?"

She tosses me two more. "And there are your brothers."

I look at them and laugh some more. I hold up them. "You gave me a Zac Efron and Corbin Bleu doll."

"Yes, that's you," she points to Zac, and then to Corbin, "and that's Jason."

"But that looks nothing like Jason… And Jason's not black."

"Or is he?" BF says mysteriously.

"Uh, I'm pretty sure he's not."

Then she pulls out two more dolls: A Miley Cyrus one, and a Taylor Swift one.

"Okay, really?" I ask, taking the dolls. "Our ex-girlfriends?"

"No. Say hello to your mummy and daddy."

"Who's who?"

"The Miley one is your mummy, and Taylor is your dad."

"That's disgusting. My dad's wearing a dress."

"Work with me!" And then she pulls out this play house. I think it's the Hannah Montana house. "And this is your house."

"How did all of that fit in your purse?" I ask.

"I have a really big purse. Anyway," She starts, but I stop her.

"Wait, where did you get all this stuff?"

"My niece."

I pick up the Shane doll. "Any reason why he's not wearing pants?"

"Well, because… never mind. It's a long story and I kinda don't want to tell you."

"Actually, I kinda don't want to know."

"Good because you'd think less of my niece if I told you."

I laugh.

"Okay," she says, "let's do this." She takes Miley and Taylor (AKA Mum and Dad) and Corbin Bleu (The black Jason) and leaves me with Shane and "me." "Do you want to start or should I?"

"You can start."

She puts Corbin Bleu in the little kitchen in the playhouse. Then she grabs "Mum" and "Dad" and pretends to make them talk.

She picks up Mum first. "Oh, Paul, dear, I think there's something wrong with Nate."

And then she puts on a lower voice for "Dad." "What do you mean, honey?"

"Well he hasn't eaten anything really, and he always wears sweaters."

"Really?"

"Yes."

BF puts down the dolls. "Okay, now get you." She grabs "Jason" and I grab "me." She puts on another really low voice for Jason. "Oh, hey there Nate. What are you doing?"

"Sitting?" I ask and have my doll stand up.

"No, I was just wondering why you look so sick. Maybe you would like some food?"

I hesitate.

"I said," BF starts, "maybe you would want some food. Nate, what would you have really said?"

"I… I would have told him no," I say.

She points to the Zac Efron doll. "Well act it out, silly."

So I do. I pick up the doll. "Actually, Jason, I'm not hungry."

"But, Nate," BF says with the voice again, "you must be so hungry. You haven't eaten in four days."

"I'm just not… hungry."

"Well surely you must want something."

"No… I don't want anything."

"Are you sure? I can make you anything you want."

"I'm positive."

BF changes back to her real voice. "Give me Shane." I hand her the doll. "Now make Nate go away."

I throw the doll off to the side.

She puts on the fake voices again and holds up Shane. "Oh, Jason, I think Nate might be depressed."

Then she holds up Jason. "No, Shane, I think he's just really sick."

"But I love Nate so much, and no one stays sick this long. And he doesn't even have a fever or anything. And have you noticed how skinny he is?"

"But I'm so fat," I cut in.

She picks up the Shane doll. "Jason, did you hear something?"

"I don't know," 'Jason' says. "No one else is in the house."

I roll my eyes and pick up the Nate doll, setting it right down in the room.

"Oh goodness gracious trumpets!" 'Shane' says. "Nate appeared out of nowhere as if he were listening to our entire conversation!"

"How weird," 'Jason' adds.

I bring myself into this. "Guys, how could you say that I'm so skinny? I'm a whale."

'Shane' flies over to me. "No you're not, Nate."

"Yes. I am."

"We're scared for you," 'Jason' says, flying over to me.

"Why?" I ask. "If I'm fat then no one will like me and all of our fans will leave us."

"That's not true," Best Friend says in her real voice.

I set down the Zac Efron doll. "Yes it is. I'm not perfect. Have you noticed that every single celebrity is so skinny and beautiful? I'm not."

"Nate, you are."

"You're just saying that."

"No I'm not."

"Yes, you are. You're just saying that so I'll eat something."

"Why would I lie to you?"

I don't say anything. I can't say anything. Why _would_ she lie to me?

She pushes the dolls and the house off to the side. "Nate, do you trust me?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"Then you can believe me when I say you're so skinny it's scaring me. It's scaring your brothers. They care about you."

"They'd hate me if they ever found out what I've been doing."

"No they wouldn't."

"Yes they would."

She sighs. "Nate, come here."

I hop out of bed and she unhooks me to all the stuff and we go into the bathroom.

"Take off that gown." I do. "Now stand here, look in the mirror, and tell me what you see," Best Friend tells me.

So I do. I stand there, looking over myself. "I see… me. Me with a really fat stomach and arms and legs."

Best Friend turns to me. "I see Nate. But it's not the real Nate; it's Nate whose ribs poke out and who looks like a starving African kid."

"Starving African kid?" I ask. "Some starving African kid. I bet I weigh a trillion pounds."

"How much you want to bet on that?" she asks.

I stare at her, confused.

Best Friend looks through some cabinets.

"What are you looking for?" I ask.

"One of those electronic scales." She finds one and puts it on the ground. "Do you think I'm skinnier than you?"

"Much," I say. "You're so beautiful."

She steps on the scale. "One fifty-three. Your turn."

I hesitantly step on it and put my hand over my eyes. "Don't look; it's gonna be embarrassing."

"Ninety-eight," BF says.

I open my eyes and look down. "That can't be right."

"How much did you weigh a month ago?"

"One forty-five." I step on the scale again. "Are you sure it said ninety-eight?" It did. I step on it a few more times. Ninety-eight. Every single time. "It must be lying," I say, stepping on it a few more times.

It didn't lie.

I look in the mirror.

And I see…

Nate the starving African child.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

I touch the mirror with my left hand, looking at myself. "How did this happen to me? How did I get so… thin?"

Best Friend puts her hand comfortingly on my shoulder. "Nate…"

I shake my head. "No… How could I have wasted away like that?" I turn to her, fear building up inside. "Best Friend, I need food. I'm so, so hungry."

"I thought you'd never say that," she smiles slightly and brings me back into the room, hooking me back up to all the machines. I get back in the bed after putting the gown back on and she leaves, only to return a few minutes later with a tray of food.

At the sight of it, my stomach growled. I cautiously take the fork and stab it into a waffle. I hesitate before putting it in my mouth and chewing it.

Best Friend picks up the Shane doll and puts on the Shane voice. "I'm so proud of you, Nate."

I laugh and eat some more.

Food tastes so good when you're a starving African child.

When I finish, I don't feel very well. My stomach does a flip flop and I move over to the side, barfing on the floor.

BF comes over to me.

"I didn't mean to," I say. "I'm sorry!"

"No, it's okay," Best Friend says. "It might take awhile for your stomach to get used to food again. Just try to eat small portions at a time, okay?"

I nod and lay back down. BF gets someone to clean up my puke and then she sits down next to me and we silently sit there.

Why?

Because there was nothing to talk about.

"Are you gonna eat more or should I throw it away?" BF asks.

"I want to eat more," I say, "but I'll just barf again, which would totally defeat the purpose."

"Just eat a little bit and you'll be fine."

"Promise?"

"Have I ever lied to you?"

I think about it and then take a spoonful of cereal.

And I wait a couple minutes before eating more.

And the best thing ever happened – I didn't barf.

I didn't even feel sick at all.

That was when Shane and Jason came into the room. They both smile when they see me eating.

"You got your appetite back," Jason breathes as if he didn't believe it.

I nod and eat more.

Jason comes over to Best Friend and me. "How did you do it?" he asks BF. "What did he have?"

Best Friend shrugs. "He had a very strange form of the flu. Just a bit of antibiotics and he's good to go."

Jason hugs her. "Thank you. Thank you so much."

Shane looks down at the dolls on the floor. He picks up the Shane one. "Um, what's with the dolls and why don't I have any pants?"

Best Friend and I look at each other and laugh. Best Friend takes the dolls from him. "They're my nieces." She starts putting them all back in her purse.

"Do I even want to know why you had a doll set here?" Shane asks.

I shake my head. "No. Not really."

"Okay," Best Friend says, "we'll keep Nate one last night and I'll prescribe him some medicine and you can go get on with your lives."

Jason hugs her again. "Thank you."

BF smiles. "No problem." She and her giant purse leave the room.

Shane and Jason sit on my bed.

"I'm so glad you're eating again," Jason says.

Shane nods in agreement. "Yeah, we were all so worried about you."

"Really?" I ask.

"Of course!" Jason exclaims. "You're our little brother and we love you."

"Even if I'm not perfect?"

"Nate, we would love you no matter what."

"Promise?"

"Stop being silly, Nate, of course we would."

"You still love me even though I had to cancel the tour?"

"Nate, why would we be mad at you for that? It's not your fault you got sick."

Yes, yes it is.

"And besides," Jason continues, "we postponed it and we're going to go next week, okay?"

I smile. "Yay."

"Look, you sleep well tonight and get plenty of rest, and tomorrow we'll come back to pick you up. And then we can go back home and practice our songs for tour, okay?"

I nod. "Sounds good."

X X X

We chatted for a while and played Battleship until it got dark.

Then when visiting hours were over, Jason and Shane left and BF came back in the room.

"Best friend!" I laugh.

She comes in the room with a bottle of pills. "Here's your fake-o medicine."

I take it from her and shake it. "What's in it?"

"Ginkobiloba."

"Huh?"

"It's really, actually nothing. All it does is increase your white blood count. It's good for altitude sickness, which you don't even need, considering the fact that you live at ten-thousand three hundred and fifty-three feet. There are only ten in there, so when you run out, fill it up with this." She tosses me a pack of white tic tacs.

I laugh. "Tic tacs?"

She nods.

"So why did you lie to them?" I ask. "I mean, thanks, but why?"

"Because," she says, sitting down in a chair, "you and I are so much alike."

"You did the same things I did?" I ask.

She nods. "But worse." Then, Best Friend rolls up the sleeves of her coat and shows me her wrists.

They look just like mine, but ten times as bad.

She rolls her sleeves back down. "Now I'm gonna make a deal with you. If I stop, you do too."

I nod. "Deal." We shake hands.

"Now," she says, "take one tic tac before breakfast every morning for a month."

I laugh. "Okay."

"And I think you'll be better in no time."

"Thanks," I say, "for the tic tacs." I put one in my mouth.

"Pill popper," she laughs. "Okay, well I'm gonna head home. I guess this is goodbye, Best Friend."

"Don't leave yet!" I say. "Best friends can't just desert each other like that."

"Well what am I supposed to do? Go on tour with you?"

"Yes."

"As much as I want to, I can't. I have a job to take care of people like you."

"Well it worth a shot, anyway. How can I repay you for helping me?"

"Don't forget about our deal."

"Well how will I know you won't forget about our deal?"

"How 'bout you email me when you're on the road."

"Okay." I give my best friend my email address and she writes it down on her hand.

"Now I got to go," Best Friend says. "I have a niece who wants to play dollies with me."

I laugh. "Tell her I said hi."

She smiles. "Bye Nate. Best of luck with your tour."

"Bye Best Friend."

BF leaves the room and I suddenly feel kinda sad.

I take the tic tacs and put them in my jacket pocket.

X X X

The next day, Jason comes to take me home from the hospital. I hand him the bottle of pills. "That's my medicine," I tell him as I make sure the tic tacs are still in my pocket.

Jason nods and puts it in his pocket. "I'm happy you're finally coming home."

"Me too," I say.

"Do you think you'll be ready to go on tour in six days?"

"Of course. I feel fine."

"But that's what you said last time and look what happened."

"Jason…" I grab his arm. "Let's just go home."

"Fine, fine," he says and we walk out of the hospital. We head over to his car and he drives me back home.

Right when I walk inside, I see a huge banner that says, 'Welcome Home Nate!'

I smile. My family is too nice.

Frankie comes running up to me with my cat, Buster. I crouch down to them and say, "Hi there!" in my best little kid voice.

Only Buster must have gotten spooked, because he bites the tip of my nose.

"Ow! Bubba!" I scold.

Buster leaps out of Frankie's arms, and Frankie says, "No, I make better." And then he bites my nose.

"Thanks, Frankie," I say sarcastically.

Frankie then runs off, calling, "Bubba! Bubba, bad boy!"

I stand up and my parents and Shane come over to me. We have a big group hug, and Mum kisses me repeatedly on the head.

"I love you too, Mum," I say.

"Nate, you had me so worried. You had us all worried."

And I stand there, surrounded by the people I love. They all care about me so much. They don't want me to be depressed.

And then I realize that they're the reason why I try to be so perfect. And why it kills me when I'm not everything they expect.

**A\N: Hey everyone! Thanks for reading and reviewing my story! Please take some time and nominate your favourite stories for my new awards! There is a link on my profile! Thanks!! 3 starsnuffers**


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

I munch on a cookie while we rehearse.

"Take it from the top of 'One Man Show,'" I say, stuffing two more cookies in my mouth.

Shane looks over at me and laughs. "Nate, if you eat all those cookies, you're gonna look like Godzilla."

I pause and set the cookies down on the plate where I got them.

Jason starts playing the guitar again and I sing the lyrics to "One Man Show."

When Mum calls us down for dinner, Jason stops playing, and I stop singing and we head downstairs to the kitchen.

"What's for dinner?" Jason asks. "I'm starving!"

Actually, I think it's me that's the starving African child.

We all sit down at the table.

"We're having lasagna," Mum says.

Shane whines. "Aw, but we had that last night! And the night before!"

"Yes, well Nate didn't get any and it's his favourite," Mum tell him.

She's right; it is my favourite.

Mum puts a plate in front of me. I slowly eat it. I look up and see them all smiling. "What?" I ask.

"Nothing," Jason says and everyone looks back down at their plates.

I give them weird looks that they don't see and eat my lasagna again. They all stare at me again.

"Okay, you're freaking me out. What?"

"Nothing," Jason says again. "We're just happy that you're eating again."

Everyone nods in agreement.

I put more food in my mouth and they finally leave me alone and stop watching me eat.

And then I start to think about what Shane said earlier. 'If you eat too much, you're gonna look like Godzilla.' And then I get all of these pictures of Godzilla in my head.

And then I stop eating. And excuse myself from the table. And go upstairs, looking in my mirror.

And instead of seeing starving African child Nate, I saw Godzilla Nate.

And I throw up.

X X X

The next morning when I wake up, it's dark, so I walk over to turn on the light. But on my way, I step in something wet and cold.

I turn on the light and look at my foot.

I stepped in a pile of cat shit.

I groan. "Ugh! Bubba! Not again!"

Great. That is just so great.

I hop on one foot over to my bathroom and wash off my foot in the shower. Damn cat. I love Buster, but he gets on my nerves a lot.

When all is better, I go downstairs and see Jason and Dad in the kitchen.

"Morning," I say, rubbing the sleep out of my eyes.

"Take your medicine," Jason says.

I go into the kitchen and "Jason hands me a glass of water and one of the pills. "Thanks," I tell him and take a fake-o pill.

I sit down at the table. "So you'll never guess what Bubba did."

"What'd he do?" Jason asks.

"Left me a present. On my floor. Yeah, and I stepped in it."

Shane comes downstairs, laughing. "You stepped in cat poop?"

I nod. "Yeah."

"Ha ha!" he laughs like that stupid kid from 'The Simpsons.'

What is it about older brothers and having to laugh at your pain and suffering?

"Anyway," Shane says, grabbing an apple, "I'm gonna go take a jog down to the store to get more bread. Anyone want to go?"

I stand up. "I do."

"Okay," Shane says and tosses me an apple. "Eat before we go."

I catch it but toss it back. "Nah, I'm not in the mood for breakfast this morning."

"Whatever," Shane mutters.

We walk over to the door and Shane grabs his shoes and puts them on. Faster than you can say 'oohga boohga' Shane pulls off his shoes. "OH MY GOD! BUBBA!"

Then I see Buster scamper past as fast as he can, his fat shaking from side to side.

"What?" I ask.

"Bubba took a shit in my shoe!" Shane exclaims, completely disgusted.

I laugh. "Karma's a bitch."

Shane groans and gets some new socks on and different shoes.

We finally leave the house and go on our jog.

Shane was showing off the whole time, flexing his muscles and saying, "Oh, I'm such a beast!"

Perfect.

That's what he is.

He gets all the ladies, works out, has a six pack.

And me?

I have flab.

And more flab.

And I look like Godzilla.

Godzilla in a fat suit.

"Look at these guns!" Shane says. We stop jogging and he grabs my arm. "Dude, where are your guns?"

I take my arm away from him. "They're on vacation."

Shane laughs and pats me on the back a little too hard. "You're funny, kid."

We stop at the store, but it was closed.

So Shane keeps on jogging and I follow.

Only once we got past the two mile mark, I slow down. Like majorly. And I stop completely. And so does Shane.

"Dude, what the hell?" Shane asks, coming back over to me.

I try to catch my breath. "Hold up a sec," I say, panting. I fall over in the grass. "I can't carry on."

"Goddamn, do I have to carry you?" Shane bends over and picks me up from the ground and then continues jogging.

"Ahh!" I scream. This has got to be one of the bumpiest rides I've ever been on. "Stop!"

"Oh, come on!" Shane exclaims. "We're almost done!"

"How much longer are you gonna carry me?"

"Only five more miles. Up the pass and back down."

"Don't your arms get tired from holding me?"

"Tired? Ha! I'm so strong people get winded just watching me run!"

And then he takes off in a sprint, making it that much worse.

X X X

Five miles later and we finally make it home.

"That was beastly," Shane says, setting me down on the porch.

"Uh huh," I mutter.

We walk into the house and Shane pours himself a glass of those disgusting energy shakes. "These taste like fuck, but you gotta drink 'em if you want to look as good as I do."

"Mmm hmm," I say. I sit down at the table.

"Here." Shane hands me a glass of it. "Drink it."

I push it away. "I'll pass, thanks."

Jason comes into the room. "Did you guys just get back? How long did you go for?"

"Just seven miles," Shane says, sipping the shake.

"Seven miles?!" Jason blows up.

He nods. "Yeah. I usually run ten, but Nate was here and all…"

"Shane!" Jason scolds. "I can't believe you took Nate for a seven mile jog! He just got out of the hospital!"

"Oh, don't get your knickers in a knot," Shane rolls his eyes. "He only jogged for two and I carried him the rest of the way."

"Two miles is a lot!" Jason continues. "I thought you were just gonna jog to the Al-Mart to get bread and come back!"

(For those who don't know what an Al-Mart is, it's a grocery store in our town, Alma. Get it? It's punny.)

"Yeah, well the Al-Mart was closed so I just decided maybe we should just go to the top of the pass and back. No big deal."

"To the top of the pass?!"

"Yeah."

"But Shane, Nate isn't ready to run to the top of the pass yet!"

"Well he didn't even go! I carried him!"

Jason lets out an exasperated sigh. "Just don't do it again until you're sure Nate is ready."

"Chill, Jason, I was fine," I tell him.

Jason stares at me, skeptically.

"I was fine!" I exclaim.

He shakes his head and walks upstairs.

"Good goin'," I tell Shane.

"Yeah, well it's not my fault you're not a beast like I am," he says and walks into the other room with his disgusting energy shake.

X X X

That night at dinner, Shane sat next to me. "Hey, Nate. Check out this awesome muscle right here."

I roll my eyes. "I see it, Shane."

"Check out this leg muscle," he says, putting his leg up on the table.

"Shane, get your feet off the table!" Dad scolds.

"Nate, check out this awesome neck muscle," Shane continues, getting all up in my personal space.

"Yes, I see it. It's beautiful," I mutter.

"Yeah, well you haven't even seen my eyebrow muscles, yet."

Jason cuts in. "Shane, stop it."

"I can't help that I'm such a beast," Shane defends.

"Yeah, well it's getting annoying."

"Someone's jealous," Shane whispers to me, nudging me with his elbow.

"Yeah. Sure. We're all just _so_ jealous of you and your amazing eyebrow muscles," Jason says sarcastically.

Shane moves his eyebrows up and down. "Check that out. That's _beastly_."

"Stop using that word!" Mum exclaims. "It's disgusting!"

"You're disgusting!" Shane yells and stands up. "I'm gonna go work on my eyebrow muscles. Good bye, loving family." He goes upstairs.

We all sit there in a nice quiet setting now that Shane and his billions of muscles are gone.

But then Frankie started laughing and we all looked over at him.

"Bubba pooted," he laughs.

That's when I decide to leave the table myself and put my empty bowl in the sink, going upstairs.

I go in my room and lock the door. I head straight in the bathroom and stick my finger down my throat, and when I finish, I brush my teeth and lie down on the floor, doing sit ups.

I'll never be as good as Shane and his 'oh, look I run ten miles every day,' or his 'oh, check out this awesome neck muscle!'

After I finish my one hundred sit ups, I work on my eyebrow muscles in bed until I fall asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

The next few days went by so fast.

Shane and I woke up every morning to go run up the pass and then stop at the Al-Mart to buy some energy drinks. Then at breakfast he would brag about his amazing eyebrow muscles (which I could not seem to get no matter how hard I tried.)

Then after breakfast I would go upstairs and throw up.

Then we would watch TV and talk until lunch, and after I would throw up.

After lunch, we would rehearse until dinner time, when I would eat, and then throw up again. I would do my daily one hundred sit ups and eyebrow lifts.

But I never seemed to get any eyebrow muscles.

So I would look at myself in the mirror, get disappointed, and slash a few times.

But now we're loading up our tour bus and we're about to head off.

I bring the cat in the car and Bubba sniffs around, but then runs and hides under the couch.

Shane is putting all the candy we bought at Al-Mart in the snack drawer and Jason is trying to close his suitcase.

"Shane!" he calls out. "You and your muscles get over here; I need help with this!"

Shane goes over and uses his 'beastly-ness' to close Jason's suitcase.

"Thanks," Jason says, shoving the suitcase in a closet.

"Just thank these babies," Shane says and kisses his arms. "Oh yeah."

So maybe Shane's a bit of a showoff. What are you gonna do?

"Thank you, muscles," Jason rolls his eyes and gets some more stuff ready.

I sit on my bunk, sipping a water bottle, waiting for everyone to get a move on.

When everybody does finally get their acts together, we finally roll out of our neighborhood and go on the road. I lie down in my bunk and close the curtain.

But I guess I can't have a bit of peace and quiet, because Jason throws back my curtain and says, "Hey Nate! Say hello!"

"Hello to who?" I ask, my eyes still closed.

"Our fans!"

I open my eyes. "Huh?"

"I'm recording our tour to put on YouTube so people can see what it's really like on the road," Jason explains.

"Okay, here's one thing: You never get to sleep."

Jason laughs.

I close my curtain. "Bye now, Jason."

We drive for what seems like forever, and then we finally stop at the venue in Denver. I hop out of my bunk when I feel the bus stop moving and we all head out for sound check.

The sound check was long and boring, and all I could concentrate on was how hungry I was. I stayed in the same spot for most of the time, and didn't want to move around a lot as I already felt exhausted.

When people started arriving, we went backstage.

I ate some food and then went to the bathroom, only to see Tess Tyler, our opening act, in there with her manager, warming up her voice.

"Any reason why you're in the men's restroom, Tess?" I ask. "Is there something you haven't told me yet?"

Tess laughs. "Sorry, but there were people in the girl's and I needed to warm up alone. I'll leave now." She and her manager leave and I go to the last stall, purging all the food I ate.

When I finish, I wash my mouth out with water and then go back into the lounge with my brothers.

By the time I get back, Tess is about to go onstage and I can hear the roaring of the screaming fans.

"Don't you love that sound, Nate?" Jason asks.

"Yeah," I say, sitting down on the couch with them.

"It's my crack," Shane laughs, standing up and going over to the mini-fridge. "Speaking of crack, want a coke?"

"Sure."

He tosses me a Diet Coke and I drink it while he drinks his Sprite.

Shane's odd. He only drinks Sprite, orange juice, and energy drinks. But he refuses to drink anything else. But I'm not about to begin to understand what goes on in that head of his.

"Guys, don't drink soda! You'll ruin your voice!" Jason scolds taking our sodas away. "Water is better."

"But fish have sex in water!" Shane defends.

"I don't care!"

"But what if there's fish sperm in it? That's gross!"

"I don't care if there's fish sperm in it, you're gonna drink it."

Jason gives Shane and me water bottles.

I say, "Thanks," while Shane says, "I ain't drinkin' no fish sperm!" and tosses the water bottle off to the side.

"Shane! Drink your fish sperm!" Jason yells.

At that exact second, our dad walks in the room and kinda stares at us for a bit.

"I mean," Jason starts, "uh, drink… water."

"Thirty minutes, guys," Dad says and then leaves.

"Hey where's Bubba?" I ask, looking around for our cat.

"He must be still on the bus," Jason says with a shrug.

"Well I want him."

Shane huffs. "I don't. That damn cat pooped in my shoes one too many times!"

"But I love Bubba!" I defend.

"Well Bubba doesn't love me."

"I want to bring him onstage tonight."

"Ugh, fine. Bring the dang cat. But it better not poop on me again."

I turn to Jason. "Who do we call to go get the cat?"

He shrugs. "I guess Dad."

I stand up from the couch and go out of the dressing room, looking for my dad. When I do find him, I say, "Dad, can you get Bubba?"

"Bubba?" he asks all confused like.

I nod. "Yeah. I want to bring him onstage tonight."

"Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Yeah. I think it's about time people met him."

"Okay, just make sure he doesn't run off into the crowd; we'll never get him back. Your fans are crazy."

"Get the leash, then."

Dad laughs. "Okay. I'll go get him."

As he heads off to the bus, I go back into the dressing room.

Jason is there with his annoying video camera, talking with Shane. When he sees me, he jumps off the couch and points the camera in my face. "Hey, Nate, who's our special guest tonight?"

I smile. "My cat, Buster."

Jason points the camera at him. "We're gonna get to meet Bubba!"

It was then that Dad came into the room with Buster on his leash.

"Bubba!" I exclaim and take the leash from Dad. I pick him up. "Everyone, this is Bubba."

Buster meows.

"Oh, look, he's talking to you!" Jason exclaims.

I take Buster's paw and wave it, but Buster just looks away from the camera, so I set him down on the floor and he starts sniffing around.

Buster thinks he's a dog. He drinks out of the toilet, takes walks on leashes, sniffs everything, and only eats dog food. He's a strange little one.

Jason starts filming him, but then Bubba takes a huge crap on the floor and he turns off the camera. "That's attractive, Bubba."

Bubba meows and goes over to Shane.

"Five minutes!" someone calls to us.

Shane looks down at my cat. "Hey, Bubba!"

Bubba meows twice and then Shane starts scratching him and he purrs. The cat, not Shane.

Jason turns on the camera again. "Okay, we're about to go onstage. This is so exciting!"

Someone comes and gets us and we go off underneath the stage, getting on our elevators. I hold Buster in my arms and shush his meowing. "It's okay, Bubba."

When Jason starts playing the intro to our first song, "That's Just The Way We Roll" everyone screams even louder than before – if that was even possible. Bubba tries to escape, but I hand on tight to him as we start to go up.

I finally get a look at the crowd and I hold my breath. We all jump off of the elevators at the same time, just like we had rehearsed, and I guess Buster wanted to jump too, because he leaps out of my arms, but it was okay, because he was on his leash.

Shane takes Bubba from me and someone tosses me my guitar and I start playing with Jason. Shane grabs his mic and has it in one hand, while he hangs into Bubba's leash in the other.

"I woke up, on my roof, with my brothers," Shane starts singing. "There's a _cat_ in the pool with my mother."

I laugh when he changes the lyrics and everyone screams.

After we finish the first song, we don't go right on to the next one, and I take Bubba back from Shane, going back over to my mic. "Everyone, I want you to meet my cat, Buster!"

The audience goes absolutely crazy for Bubba. Bubba meows and it echoes through the venue. He gets spooked and jumps out of my hands.

"Everyone, Bubba!" I laugh.

They all clap and scream some more.

I tug back on Buster's leash and then pick him up again. "Okay, guys, get your cameras, because Bubba and I are gonna go on the catwalk!"

I suddenly see more flashes and I do my best "model" impersonation while holding Bubba, and I go down the little catwalk. I pose at the end with my cat, blowing kisses and then walk back to the main stage, giving Bubba to one of the stage hands.

"Now that we've all met Bubba," Shane says, "let's get this party started! One, two, three, four!"

We start playing our next song.

X X X

After the concert, I meet up with Bubba backstage.

Shane walks into the dressing room and groans. "Ugh, it smells like ass in here!"

I nod. "Yeah, cause Buster left us another present on the floor."

"Ew!" Shane exclaims and grabs a Sprite from the mini-fridge. He tosses me a Diet Coke, but I don't catch it as I was holding onto my cat.

I set Bubba down and let him sniff around the room, and I pick up the coke, drinking it.

"So are we gonna have Bubba come onstage to every concert?" Jason asks.

"Nah," I say, shaking my head. "He seemed pretty spooked, and I don't want to freak him out too much. Maybe we'll bring him back at the last concert."

"I sure hope he didn't poop on the bus," Shane mutters. "I'll bust a cap if he does."

"Well his litter box is in there," I tell him.

"Yeah, and that doesn't stop Bubba from using the world as his litter box."

When everyone left the venue, we head off in our bus.

"Where should we eat?" Jason asks.

I shrug.

"Well there's a Wendy's, McDonald's, Burger King… Pick one."

They all sound pretty fattening to me.

"McDonald's!" Frankie screeches.

Jason laughs. "Frankie picked it."

We stop at the McDonald's and we all hop off the bus and go inside the building. It's late so we're one of the few people here. When we stand at the counter to order, I look at the menu.

Instead of food, all I see is me… turning into Godzilla and eating a bunch of buildings.

"Nate, stop standing there and order before she thinks you're retarded!" Shane says, hitting me lightly.

"I'll just have a small order of fries," I say.

"Seriously?" Shane asks.

I nod. "Yeah. I'm not that hungry."

"Whatever."

We get our food and sit down at a booth in the back. I sit there, silently eating my fries while Shane, Jason, and Frankie stuff their mouths with an ass-load of food, talking about the concert.

I finish my fries quickly, but I keep staring at Shane's two super-sized fry containers.

Shane looks up at me. "What?"

I don't take my eyes off of them.

"Here," he says and puts one of them in front of me.

"Thanks," I say and stuff fries in my mouth like there's no tomorrow.

"Good god, turns out you were hungry, eh?" Shane laughs.

I ignore him and keep shoving the potato-y goodness in my mouth.

When I finish, I burp really loud and my brothers stop talking. Thankfully, Mum and Dad were sitting at another table, and didn't hear it.

There was an awkward silence and then my brothers burst out laughing.

When we get to the hotel, I go in the lobby bathroom while Mum and Dad were checking us in, and throw up.

I slap myself in the face.

How could I have eaten all those fries like that?

I splash water on my face and look in the mirror.

All I see is Godzilla, so I go back in the stall and stick my finger down my throat again.


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

We got three rooms; one for Mum and Dad, one for Shane and Jason, and one for Frankie, Bubba and me. Tess is staying here too, but she and her band are on a different floor than us.

When Frankie and I got in the room, Frankie turned on the TV, and Buster hopped on his lap.

Luckily, this hotel allows cats so we were able to bring Buster without having to sneak him in.

I tried to go to sleep, but I was restless, so I sat up in bed and told Frankie, "Hey, I'm gonna go take Buster for a walk."

He was completely absorbed in the TV, and he didn't hear me, so I just put Buster's harness on and take him out of the room.

I walk Buster down the hallway and into the elevator. I click the first floor button, and the elevator goes down. I lean up against the back of the elevator and sigh.

The elevator stops, but not on the first floor, but on the tenth.

A girl comes in the elevator and doesn't even look at me; she just stares at the doors.

Only she has a cat.

And it starts yowling.

The girl turns around. "What's wrong, Zoe, the best white-and-greyer with the pink nose?"

Zoe and Buster start meowing at each other.

"Bubba!" I say, pulling back on his leash.

The girl laughs. "You have a cute cat."

"Thanks," I say and point to hers. "You too. What kind?"

"Ragdoll. You?"

"Actually, we don't know what he is. We think he's part Irish Labrador."

She laughs. "Why?"

"Because sometimes he hears the call of the wild and goes absolutely bonkers."

"Call of the wild?" she asks, a hint of amusement in her voice.

I nod. "The _Irish_ call of the wild."

"I didn't know there was such thing."

"Well you haven't met Bubba."

The elevator doors open and I head off to the left with Buster. Only when I'm walking, I hear Bubba start meowing like a psychopath again, so I stop and turn around. "Bubba, stop that!" He tugs on the leash and he's awfully strong, because he forces me to go the other way, after the girl and her cat.

The girl stops walking when her cat, Zoe, jumps out of her arms. "Zoe!" she exclaims and turns around.

Buster scampers over to Zoe and they start meowing at each other again.

"Your cat seems to like my cat," the girl laughs.

I nod. "Yeah. Love at first sight?"

"I guess."

We stand there in an awkward silence while Zoe and Bubba start sniffing each other's butts.

"You look really familiar," the girl says. "Where are you from?"

"Alma, Colorado," I tell her.

"Oh, I'm from Fairplay!" she exclaims. "Maybe I've seen you… have you ever been to the Al-Mart?"

"I go there every day!"

"Seriously?! I work there!"

"No way! It's such a small world, isn't it?"

"Wow, yeah! What are you doing here in Denver?"

"Oh, we're just staying here for one night and then we're off to New Mexico."

"Visiting family?"

"Nah, just… chillin'."

"So, I've seen you, but we've never actually met. I'm Leslie."

I laugh. "My best friend Leslie said, 'oh, she's just bein' Miley.'"

She looks confused. "What?"

"Never mind."

Leslie laughs. "You're funny."

"Thanks. I'm Nate. Nate Gray."

"Oh!" she exclaims. "I've met your brother – Shane Gray, right?"

"Yeah."

"He always buys People magazine from us. Like every week."

"Yeah, he's pretty much obsessed with celebrity gossip."

"I don't understand that celebrity gossip crap. Why don't people just leave them alone?"

"Hey, that's what I said!"

I hear Buster yowling like a mad cat, so I look down only to see him and Zoe… gettin' it on, if you know what I mean.

"Bubba!" I scold. "Get off of her!" I pull back on his leash as hard as I can and he rolls over on his back, having a temper tantrum. He yowls and hisses at me.

Leslie starts laughing. "Cats will be cats…"

"I'm so sorry if my cat just got your cat pregnant."

"It's okay; she's spayed."

"Oh, good."

Only Zoe the sex kitten starts rubbing up against Buster's flank and purring. Bubba starts meowing again.

Leslie and I look down at our cats.

"Well this couldn't be more awkward," I mutter.

"Yeah," she laughs.

"Anyway, I'm gonna go this way. Bye." I tug on the leash. "Come on, Buster."

Only Zoe the sex kitten just cannot control herself, because she comes scampering after Buster. And they start…. Ahem.

Again.

"Oh my goodness gracious," Leslie says, grabbing her cat. "Come on, Zoe."

Zoe and Buster start yowling and Buster rolls over, hissing and scratching the air.

"Buster, keep this up and we're taking you to get your jingle bells detached from your sleigh if you know what I mean."

Buster keeps meowing.

I end up dragging him away from Zoe the sex kitten and I just keep dragging him away as far as I can. I end up at the outdoor pool and I tie up Bubba to a pool chair and sit on it, closing my eyes.

"It's nice and quiet out here, eh?" I hear a voice.

I open my eyes and turn my head to the left.

About three chairs away, I see Tess sitting there with sunglasses and a hat on. She takes them off, letting her hair down.

I nod. "It is."

Tess stands up and comes over to a chair right next to me.

"So why are you sitting here at one in the morning?" Tess asks.

"Can't sleep," I tell her.

"Yeah. Me neither."

We both sigh.

"So why can't you sleep?" I ask.

She shrugs. "No clue. I guess there's just a lot on my mind."

"Yeah me too."

"It's kinda like… the world is moving way too fast and I'm stuck in slow-mo."

"I know what that feels like."

"Can't it just stop for like two seconds so I can catch my breath?"

"I wish…"

"I'm just… so tired. Of trying to be perfect all the time."

"Story of my life," I mutter.

"I want to tell you something, but I'm afraid you'll think I'm a freak."

"Trust me, no one is freakier than I am."

"Seriously, Nate, if I tell you, you have to swear not to tell anyone."

"Tess, you couldn't be more fucked than I am."

"I think I am." Then she takes off her jacket. And all up and down her wrists are cuts. "Wow, that felt really good to tell someone."

And I take off my jacket and show her my cuts. "I know."

"Oh, damn it, not you too Nate," she sighs.

"Oh yes. Me too."

"But you're not dark and twisty enough."

"I am to dark and twisty!"

"Not enough to be doing that!"

"Well you don't really know me, do you?"

"I guess I don't."

We sit there in an awkward silence.

What is up with me and awkward silences?

"Anyway," Tess says, standing up. "I'm gonna go to bed."

"I better go to bed, too," I say and stand up, untying Buster.

Tess pets Bubba. "Good kitty."

Bubba hisses.

"Oh, goodness," Tess says, jumping back.

Buster starts jumping up the air and running in circles.

"He must be having another 'call of the wild' episode," I laugh. I tug on the leash. "Come on, Bubba."

Bubba and I walk back into the hotel with Tess, hissing.

Well, Buster was hissing – Tess and I weren't.

All three of us go into the elevator and Tess gets off at her floor, and Bubba and I get off at ours.

Right when we get off, I see three girls standing there talking. They take one look at me and then scream as if there was a house on fire.

"Nate! Nate Gray! We love you!" one of them screeches.

"We've been waiting here all night for you!" another one exclaims.

I wave and pick up Buster. "He says hi."

They all scream again and one even falls to the ground.

"Oh my god, Nate's cat, Bubba, just said hi to us!" the one who fell on the ground says, standing up.

That's when Buster flips a shit.

He jumps out of my arms and makes this noise similar to a small child screaming and goes crazy, hissing and thrashing around. He then leaps up in the air and scratches one of the girls.

"Oh my god, Nate's cat, Bubba, just scratched me! And now I'm bleeding!"

I gasp. "I am so, so sorry!" I take the hissing Bubba away.

"No, it's okay! I feel so honoured!" she says. "Oh my god, Nate just told me he was sorry!"

"I'll go get you a band-aid."

"Oh my god, Nate Gray's cat just scratched me and now he's gonna nurse me back to health!"

"Aww!" a different one sighs. "That's no fair! You're so lucky!"

I throw Bubba in our room and get a band-aid out of the first aid kit, going back over to the girls. I hand her the band-aid and she faints.

"Oh my god, Nate! You and your cat just killed her!" one of them yells.

I crouch down by the girl.

"Oh my god, he's gonna give her mouth to mouth!"

"Here," I say to the girl, "I'll give you an autograph!"

She springs right up. "Autograph?!"

"Okay, she's fine," I tell the other girls.

"Oh no!" Fainting Girl starts. "I think I'm gonna die." She coughs. "Nate, you better give me mouth to mouth!"

"You're fine," I say standing up. I help her up.

"Oh my god, Nate Gray just helped her up!" one of the girls screeches.

"How romantic," the other one sighs.

Fainting Girl jumps on me. "I love you!"

I laugh awkwardly and push her off. "Okay, thanks. Bye."

"Wait what about the autographs!?"

I sigh. "Okay, okay. Who has a sharpie?"

All three of them hand me a sharpie at the same time. I take one and they take off their shoes. So I sign the shoes for them and then they all scream again.

"Okay, now stop screaming before you get kicked out."

"Group hug!" one of them says, and they all hug me.

I laugh awkwardly.

"Much better," they all recite at the same time.

"Okay… bye." And then I run. I run into my room, lock all the locks, close the curtain, and then slide down the wall to the floor and sit there.

And then Bubba hisses and jumps on me.

"BUBBA!"


	9. The End

**Chapter 9**

"Bubba, how many times have I told you not to attack me like that?" I reprimand. "That's it Bubba, right when we get home, we're going straight to the vet!"

Buster replies by jumping on my bed. I stand up and go over to him. He puts his ears back and hisses, showing all of his teeth.

I jump back in surprise.

Bubba growls and then strikes his paw out at me. He must be still mad about me taking away his sex kitten.

I gasp and run out the door.

I go down the hall and open the elevator. I don't know why I just went in it, but I just sit there in the corner. The door closes.

Finally.

I am alone.

I end up sitting there in the peace and quiet for about two hours.

This looks pretty sketchy.

I stand up and go elevator riding. I go up to the last floor, down to the first, and then repeat.

I don't know why I keep doing this at four in the morning, but I do.

When I get bored, I get off at my floor and go over to my hotel room and try to open the door.

Damn, it's locked.

I sigh and then realize that I have the key to Jason and Shane's room. So I go in their room as quietly as I can.

I guess I wasn't quiet enough, because Jason wakes up. "Nate?" he asks sleepily. "What are you doing here?"

"Hi… funny story… I got locked out of my room and…" I trail off.

"Just… sleep on the pull out bed." He yawns.

"Okay." I take off the cushions on the couch and pull out the bed, getting on it.

As I'm trying to fall asleep, I keep tossing and turning.

And the bed squeaks every time I do.

"Who the hell is squeaking?" I hear Shane ask.

"Nate," I say.

"Well… shut the fuck up, Nate; I'm sleeping."

I stay as still as I can, but then turn over again.

"Shut up!" Shane hisses.

I get off the bed, only it's dark and I can't see anything, so I accidently bump right into Shane and Jason's bed and fall over on them.

"OW!" I hear them both yell.

"Sorry!" I apologize and get off of them.

"Where are you going?" Jason asks.

"I'm gonna take a bath… I can't sleep."

"Okay."

I head over to their bathroom and close the door before turning off the lights. I make sure there are fresh towels before running the bathwater. I pour all of the cheap hotel bubble bath in and then wait for the bath to full up a bit.

I stick my foot in.

Ow! Hot!

I put on the cold water and wait some more for it to fill up.

I take off my clothes and look in the mirror.

Bad choice.

I look at how fat I am.

Huge.

Ugly.

So not perfect.

I shake my head and turn around and head over to the bathtub. It was almost full, so I turn off the water and step in the tub, sitting down.

I close my eyes and sigh.

I can faintly hear some of the bubbles popping and I swish the water around a bit.

Still can't sleep.

I recline further so that my hair gets wet.

Still not a bit tired.

I sit up and look around.

Maybe if I listen to some music I'll be able to sleep.

Wait… where am I gonna get music? My laptop is in my locked room and Jason and Shane would flip a shit if I used theirs.

Then I get a great idea.

Jason has problems sleeping all the time…

So he takes sleeping pills.

I get out of the bathtub; freezing the instant my bare body reaches the cold air. I quickly look around for Jason's medicine bag. When I finally find it, I look around in it.

Contacts, contact solution, my tic-tac medicine, band-aids, point ivy ointment…?

That's random.

I look some more and then find it.

The sacred orange bottle with the magical pills inside.

I pop two in my mouth and wash them down with some sink water.

I go back in the bathtub, closing my eyes.

Still can't sleep.

I get out and take another pill.

Still nothing.

I bring the bottle and a cup of water over to the bathtub and sit there.

I look at my watch and see that it's four thirty in the morning.

I still haven't slept.

I dump out the rest of the pills and take five more, closing my eyes.

But I end up getting out of the tub and pacing the floors.

And that's when something glimmering catches my eye.

I look over and on the counter is Jason's Swiss army knife.

He carries it everywhere, that crazy kid.

And I stand there, contemplating what I should do.

I grab the knife, go back in the tub, and when I can't sleep anymore, I get desperate.

And I start cutting.

And I cry.

I cry because I can't sleep.

I cry because I'm frustrated.

I cry because of how overwhelming the pain is.

And I cry because I'm not perfect.

I hear knocking at the door. "Nate? Are you still in there? You okay?"

Jason.

I hold my breath and hold back a sob. I don't want him to hear me cry. I don't want him to see the cuts I give myself when no one's looking. "I'm fine," I lie.

Part of me wants him to come in here and rescue me, but the rest of me wants him to stay away.

"Are you sure?"

I sniff. "Y-yeah." I breathe in uneasily and it gives it away that I've been crying.

By now, most of the bubbles have gone, leaving a thin creamy-white layer of soap hovering over a tub filled with cold, red water.

I slash myself again and gasp.

"Nate, what are you doing in there?" he asks, putting on his parental tone. "Are you okay?"

"Leave me alone!" I scream. "Leave me the hell alone! I don't want to talk to you, okay!" I cut again and let out a cry. I grab the bottle of pills and pour the remainder of them in my mouth, swallowing them down with some water.

That's when Jason decides to barge in here like there's no tomorrow.

I cut myself again. "Ahh!" I cry out, taking in the pain. I double over, holding my injured arm underwater. The soap in the water makes it sting even more.

"Nate, what are you doing!" Jason says, running over to me. He grabs the knife I was holding and tosses it to the side. He takes my arms and turns them over. "Wha-? Why did you…? Nate, why did you do this?"

"Because I'm not perfect!" I yell. "Okay? I'm not perfect like you and Shane are. I'll never be as good as you so why don't you just leave me alone and let me die?"

Jason grabs me under my arms and pulls me out of the water. "Jesus, Nate, you're so skinny!"

"No I'm not! I'm fat and ugly! And you know that because you're Mr. Perfect!"

"Nate, what are you talking about?"

I try to stand, but sway a bit like I'm drunk. "You… you're so perfect. And I'm so… not. And it's just so frustrating that sometimes…" And I grab the knife from the ground and slash again, screaming in pain.

"Stop it, Nate!" Jason yells and takes the knife away from me. He grabs my arms and looks at my wrists. "Let me get you some Band-Aids." He grabs a box of SpongeBob Band-Aids from his medicine bag and starts putting them over the cuts. "What were you thinking, Nate? Huh? Why would you do this?"

That's when I fall over on the floor and close my eyes, drifting in and out of consciousness.

"Nate!" he exclaims and crouches down next to me. "Nate, what did you do?"

"I just wanted to sleep," I whisper, closing my eyes again.

"Did you take something?" he asks, slapping me a bit to help me stay conscious. "Nate, tell me what you took!" He pauses for a moment and grabs the empty bottle of sleeping pills. "Nate, did you take all of these pills?"

"I just… wanted to sleep…"

"Please tell me some of them fell in the tub or something. Just tell me you didn't take all of them!"

But by then, I had already fallen asleep.

"Nate, you have to wake up!" Jason keeps yelling. "You can't quit yet!"

I can barely hear him. As if his voice is way far off in the distance.

"I'm taking you to the hospital," Jason says and lifts me up. "Shane, I'm taking Nate to the hospital," he calls out to my other brother.

I let out a soft moan, telling him that yes, I am still alive.

"Hang in there buddy," Jason says, taking me out of the room.

He starts running and presses the button for the elevator about a trillion times. I open my eyes and Jason looks so worried. He keeps pressing the elevator button saying, "Come on…"

When the elevator does open, he goes in and presses the first floor button. He finally notices that I'm semi-conscious and says, "Nate, I'm gonna get you help, okay? Just don't worry."

I don't say anything and instead just close my eyes.

As the doors of the elevator are still opening, Jason races out of there as fast as he can. I open my eyes and he runs out of the hotel, over to the car. He puts me in the passenger seat and puts on my seatbelt for me. Then, he gets in himself and zooms away.

To make it even more dramatic, he makes a sharp turn and the wheels make that squeaky noise they make when you skid. It was like that part in the 'Twilight' movie where Edward comes and saves Bella in the nick of time in his car when she's getting attacked or some shit like that.

Yeah, I saw 'Twilight.' Jealous? Who said that boys can't see chick flicks?

He starts driving down the road. "Don't worry, Nate, we're almost there."

I rest my head up on the door. "I'm so sorry," I manage to make out.

"No, don't be sorry. It's okay."

Jason accelerates.

"Jason, I was just so tired of everything and-"

"Nate, you don't have to apologize."

I open my eyes and lift my head up. "But Jason-"

I was cut off when all of the sudden we see a fallen tree in the middle of the road. Jason slams on the breaks and we swerve out of control when our car hits the tree and all of the tires blow out. Our car rolls over a few times. I felt a rush of unbearable pain and then-

Nothing.

Peace.

Quiet.

Finally.

Perfect.


End file.
